Violated

Friday morning Rob was leaving for work only to come back in a few minutes later saying, "We were robbed." His truck had been broken into. We had been down this route before. His truck had been broken into several years ago, but that was different. That time his truck has been in the driveway and the people had just opened the door and took 1 thing. This time there was more than one person. They came into our carport and actually got into his truck to get what they wanted. This time I feel violated. This time it feels personal. This time it's affecting me.

I don't want to go into too much detail because the boys read this blog sometimes but I've been anxious since Saturday. For some reason I was able to sleep just fine Friday night. But Saturday, when we were at a local rodeo, it hit me. E was having fun, laughing, clapping and smiling from ear to ear while I sat next to him thinking, "So many people are drinking. There's bound to be a fight. Or worse." Then I'd talk myself off the ledge and try to enjoy myself. The rodeo itself was fun but I couldn't get out of my head the entire time.

Saturday and Sunday nights, when I did sleep, I had nightmares. I woke up and checked the security cameras on my phone to make sure nothing was amiss. This morning when Rob left for work, I watched him on the camera to make sure no one was out there, waiting. All day I was on edge and I felt like I was barely holding it together for my students. When I got home I got dressed for the gym...and went to bed. I just couldn't get motivated to do anything more than sleep. 

I pray that this passes. I don't like this feeling, constantly on high alert. I look forward to the day when I am not worried or anxious. This sinful world can be scary but I know my God is bigger than it. So I've got to put my fears at His feet before I unravel. Sometimes that's easier said than done. But I know when I do let go of it He'll carry me just like He always does. 

Baseball Blues

I lie awake, with my wheels turning, my mind replaying this weekend over and over again. You see, last Spring, E played on a rec team that sucked. He was the only decent baseball player on his team and it broke our hearts to watch his team get annihilated every game because no one had a clue as to how to play ball. During one of the games, we were approached by an acquaintance, asking if we had ever thought about E playing tournament ball. We discussed it a lot and decided that that would be a great way for him to expand his natural, God given talent on the field. 

There are a lot of different local ball organizations in the area so we weighed the pros and cons of a few of them that interested us. We talked to E about it and ultimately decided to go with the more expensive one because the organization prides itself on professional coaches (instead of invested dad coaches) that teach the fundamentals of the game. E tried out and was beyond excited when he found out he made the team.

Fast forward to a month ago. He had just finished the Fall academy that the organization offered (which I wasn’t impressed with from the little I learned about it along the way). The person in charge of communication was not communicating. Tournament jerseys were late in getting ordered and, because the world is the way it is right now, some of the stuff didn’t arrive in time for the first tournament this weekend. We looked like the Bad News Bears.

What’s worse is we played like them. It was embarrassing to watch. And in all honesty E’s team looked almost like the rec team he played for last Spring. We know E is a talented little ball player but we didn’t expect him (nor did we want him to be) the best player on this “elite” team. He ran all over the field because several of the other players didn’t know to cover their base or where to throw the ball. Once again we were annihilated and this time it hurt my mama heart worse than ever before. As I scrolled social media last night (rather a few hours ago), several of the teams he had an option to try out for not only won games but won their tournaments this weekend. It made our losses hurt that much more!

I write this for several reasons. One is that a few people said, “It’ll get better as the season goes. They’ll learn from this.” I hope so because right now I lack the confidence in the “professional” coaching staff. I can’t see the fruits of their labor, especially since it looks like the boys have never played ball together. I hope at the end of the season I can look back at this blog and laugh, thankful for all the wins we had. Another reason is to remind people that the most expensive option isn’t always the best of the best. Sometimes the expensive option is just that….a lot of money and nothing more. The last reason is that I want to be reminded of E’s journey someday way down the road….where it all began, the frustration and heartache. Who knows what E will do with his life? Right now he wants to play in the MLB and maybe he will. He’s got to start somewhere so maybe the frustration and heartache is where he has to start to get to where he’s going. I don’t know. All I know, at this point, is that we can only go up from here and I pray that we do because my mama heart can’t handle an entire season of loss after loss after loss.