Getting Real

This is not going to be a "feel good" blog. It's going to be raw, real and ugly. But it will be honest.

Sunday I posted on FB that it's all about perspective. I listed 10 things that I am thankful for right now during this pandemic. Then, yesterday, Satan attacked me big time. My morning started with E telling me how much he hates homeschool. He gripes about school a lot but yesterday was different because I know it was his way of saying he hates this situation right now. And there's nothing I can do to fix it. He then spent a couple hours, fighting with me, about school work. One of our neighbors confided in Rob that, because she's self employed, she doesn't know how she's going to have money for food if this goes much longer. It hit me how real this has become, how many lives this virus has affected. Then I was checking on students and my heart broke because 3 of my students are dealing with hard stuff right now that 5 year olds shouldn't have to face- 2 are being directly impacted by COVID-19 and one is just dealing with a bad family situation. I was pretty down about that. But, I knew I was going to help "direct traffic" while families from our school were given food in the afternoon and I was happy, knowing I was going to see some co-workers and some students. Wrong!
First of all, I didn't direct much traffic. Somehow I ended up passing out food to people. Normally, I'd love doing that. BUT, it meant coming in closer proximity with people than I was comfortable with. Second, it gave me a raw glimpse of people's faces when they were told that the agency had run out of food at its previous stops so all they had to give was a muffin and school sized milk. One lady, whom I personally know, showed up really early to make sure she got food. She was first in line and I could literally see her fall apart when she was given her measly food rations. My heart broke for her. Third, someone pulled up who did not need food. The person then proceeded to complain about the food that was being handed out, but took it, leaving someone else one less meal. Oh, I was furious and it was all I could do not to voice my opinion. The whole hour that I was there broke my heart.
I went home feeling dirty....and disheartened. I cried. I felt I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and there's not a thing I can do about it. Other than stay home.
Dinner was my breaking point. When everyone turned their nose up at the meal I cooked, I said "This is not the night to complain about dinner. At least we have food on our plates, whether you like it or not."  To be honest, I couldn't wait for everyone to go to bed so I could have some alone time to process the day.
I didn't sleep much last night. P woke me up and then our dumb Roomba started running at 3am. So, I prayed a lot and thought about a lot. This morning I rolled out of bed, exhausted. I did not want to deal with homeschooling the boys and, quite honestly, if they had asked to skip it I would've let them. But they didn't so we plugged on through. Afterwards, I did my devotions. Not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to check off that I had done them. Truth be told, I just wanted it to rain as forecasted so I could have an excuse to lay around. I also wanted it to rain so it could wash everything away and make it fresh again. While in the middle of my devotions, P said "Wow, it's really raining!" I looked up and saw it pouring down rain. It didn't rain long but it rained enough to change my attitude. Shortly after the rain stopped, I read a verse in Luke 8 about being careful how you listen. For some reason (GOD!!), that verse jumped out at me.
This afternoon a friend called and we were on the phone for 2 hours. Most of the conversation consisted of me listening to her. She had a lot on her mind and I felt that she just needed someone to listen. When I got off the phone with her, I felt the best I had since Sunday. I realized that I can't do much to help my students. I can't help people who are diagnosed with COVID-19. But I can listen. And if that helps anyone then I am happy.
Not every day is going to be great. I will probably get to another breaking point...or two...before this shelter in place is done. But I do have a lot to be thankful for during this crazy time. And, so tomorrow, I will start my day doing Bible Study with my co-workers via Zoom. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Because Satan doesn't get to win. He doesn't get to attack me day after day, getting me down. And because my God is greater than all that is around us right now. That's the hope I'll cling to during the difficult days.

What is "Essential"?

I read somewhere recently that it's great to journal during this unprecedented time because we are living through history. So I'm going to keep up with blogging so the boys can read it when they're adults, knowing they were part of a historical event. The great state of Louisiana is currently at the "shelter in place" phase, which was enacted on Monday. Only essential businesses are to remain open at this point. I have rarely left the house and I can't remember the last time the boys have seen inside any building other than our house. I buy my groceries online to limit my exposure. Today I had to stop at the bank on my way to pick up my groceries. I passed by Home Depot and was utterly surprised to see the parking lot completely full. It didn't appear that there was a line outside the store, meaning all those people were in the store. Since when did a construction store become essential for anyone that does not have a construction business or a home emergency? I can't believe all those people would fall under either of those categories. When I went to get my groceries, I was quick to open my hatch and jump back in my SUV because the last time I went to pick up my groceries, the Walmart employee invaded my social distancing space. Today the employee was very respectful about the fact that I didn't roll my window down all the way and asked that nothing be brought up to the front seat. However, some of my requested items were out of stock so I stopped by Dollar General to grab 2 things. I was, once again surprised, to see so many kids in the store. Now I understand that some parents don't have the option of leaving their kids at home while running errands. But what surprised me the most is that one mom let her kids run all around the check out area. At one point the little boy grabbed a sucker out of a bin and put it in his mouth despite it having a wrapper on it and his mom not buying it for him. This afternoon I bought something online to pick up at Bass Pro. They shocked me the most with their lack of precautions. The only way to open the main entrance door is by the large button. Who knows how many hands have touched that?? When I pointed out that my item was defective, the employee asked me to go find the replacement one. Really?? That's why I ordered it online to begin with...so I wouldn't have to go further into the store than the front entrance. When I returned with the item, the employee wiped her nose and handed me a pen to sign the pick up sheet. I told her I'd use my own pen and then informed her that I was shocked that Bass Pro was still making people sign something with a pen that many hands touched. Needless to say, the employee didn't like my opinion and got snarky with me.
Normally I'm not a germaphobe. I don't use a lot of hand sanitizer because of the eczema on my hands. I don't become hyperaware of people in my space or someone coughing. But, the COVID-19 pandemic has changed all of that. I am very careful of where I have to go, wiping things down when they're handed to me, keeping the boys confined to our neighborhood, using hand sanitizer the minute I walk out of a store, washing my hands for at least 20 seconds when I get home from errands. Call me overreactive but I call it being cautious. If I did anything that would cause our boys to get this nasty virus, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. Hopefully people will start taking this quarantine seriously so we can flatten the curve and get life back to normal....or at least the new normal.

Unknown

As I've said in previous blogs, these uncertain times about the unknown can cause anxiety, fear, worry....and the list goes on. For me, it's not necessarily anxiety or fear but I do worry. I worry about silly things. I worry about how I'm homeschooling- are the boys getting everything they need to be successful next year without getting stressed out? I worry about what to make for dinner because no one is going to be completely happy- P and I like meatless dinners; E likes chicken: Rob likes red meat. I worry about P missing out on his last year of elementary school festivities. I worry about my students- are they being loved on at home? Are they safe? Are they getting enough to eat?
But last night I had an eye opener with how much it's affecting the kids as well. E has mentioned that he misses his school friends and teachers, but his best friend lives a few houses down the street so he's happy. Last night, we found P outside in the dark, crying. When I asked him what was wrong he confided that he feels so lonely. His one neighborhood friend is staying at his dad's during this time so he really doesn't have anyone to play with. He doesn't really understand why he can't have his friends spend the night. We don't have family close by so the 4 of us have been spending A LOT of time together. P is also worried about family and friends contracting COVID-19. He hit his breaking point last night and just needed to talk and be loved on.
I spoke with a parent yesterday who broke down and begged me to tell them that school would resume at some point. This parent was overwhelmed with not only being a parent, but being their child's teacher as well. After I got off the phone with the parent, I thought about how hard it must be on parents who do not have a desire to be a teacher. They may in the medical profession or a salesman or a mechanic or a financial advisor. But they did not go to school to become a teacher because that was not their career choice. So, now all of a sudden their career is put on hold to become a teacher and they are stressed.
Just like the Flood of 2016, I'm sure that years down the road conversations will include "Before the Coronavirus pandemic", "During the Coronavirus pandemic" or "After the Coronavirus pandemic". And I think that conversations will go something like this, "Before the Coronavirus pandemic life was so busy. We hardly sat down to eat as a family because we had work commitments and baseball practice and guitar lessons." Then the conversation will change to "During the Coronavirus pandemic we worried about our jobs, about our family and friends. But we also went on family walks, ate homecooked meals every night as a family, and learned to slow down." I have yet to know what the "After the Coronavirus pandemic" conversations will be like because we're not there yet. I have no doubt that, just like after 9/11, life around the world will change. I just don't know to what extent because this is still an unknown time.
Right now, what I do know is that I can pray for peace- for my family, my friends, my co-workers, for myself. After praying last night, I slept peacefully for the first time in days. It was a blessing to wake up feeling refreshed this morning, ready to take on the day. So will continue to pray that my friends and family will have peace during this time, that they will sleep well at night, knowing God is bigger than this virus and He is in control.

Quarantined "Me Time"

I think "me time" is essential to being a happy mama and a happy wife. Today I was in need of some "me time". Being side by side with the boys 24/7 was wearing on me, despite the fact that they've handled this quarantine like champs. So today Rob took the boys to ride dirtbikes while I enjoyed time by myself....in the house. I have multiple projects I could've worked on but I just wanted to be. So I took a short nap and binge watched "This Is Us". I rocked my PJs and ate whatever I wanted. It was nice to just be- without doing projects, without any noise and without having to make decisions for everyone else. Tonight I feel revived. I think during this crazy time it's important to do whatever it takes (that's legal) to get through. For me, it was to spend the day by myself, just vegging-watching what I wanted to watch (a rarity).  I am thankful that Rob realized that and had no problem letting the boys practice social distancing on their dirtbikes. They came home, pumped, telling me story after story about all the fun they had. They are tired of being confined to our subdivision so I think it was the best of both worlds for all of us.

The New Norm

Our lives were busy and were fixin'(Southern slang for "going to") to get even busier. Between baseball season starting and the school year ending, I felt like all Rob and I discussed was our schedules and who could hang out with the boys so the other one could hold to their commitment. It got to the point where I carried a planner in my purse so, when I wasn't home, I could still look at our calendar to see when we were free. It got to the point where, a week and a half ago, I had a pity party. I cried to my parents and to Rob, telling them I just couldn't do it all anymore. That I was overly stressed out. It got to the point where we only sat down as a family to eat dinner together MAYBE twice a week. And a lot of our "family meals" consisted of fast food, cereal or quesadillas. I'd fall into bed, exhausted, every night.
And then the Coronavirus hit. And our worlds got turned upside down. But I think it's a good thing. Despite people getting sick and untimely deaths, it's brining people back together again (within social distancing of course). We have hung out, as a family, more in the past 6 days than we have the past 6 months. We are enjoying homecooked family meals again. We are reconnecting with each other without it revolving around a calendar. I am learning how to slow down and just take it all in. For right now, I'm not on any schedule other than a flexible homeschool schedule. (And Rob has made it a priority to be here to help out as needed.) I have limited my time away from home to only things that are necessary. I am learning that it's okay not to live and die by a "To-Do' list. What doesn't get done will be there tomorrow.
This whole Coronavirus scare has not been fun for me, personally. The main reason is if it cancels out the remainder of the school year. I was looking forward to all of the end-of-the-year festivities (especially because it's P's last year in elementary school). And I can't imagine that last Friday was the way I said goodbye to my students for the year- sending them off with an elbow bump and a "See ya after Springs Break!" That part of all this is not fun because then there won't be the closure I crave at end of the school year.
But, other than that, there is silver lining in all of this mess. The boys are rocking our new homeschool routine and for that I am extremely grateful! They are the "easy" students, that don't give the teacher any problems and for that I am grateful as well.
Despite the bad, there is good. There is peace. There is calm. And there is family time. So, for now, I am grateful for our new norm.

Unprecedented Times

Coronavirus. If I never hear that word again, it will be too soon. It's a word that jumps into EVERY conversation lately. It's a word that causes fear. It's a word that causes chaos. It's a word that causes anxiety. It's a word that causes uncertainty. I'll just say it....it's a stupid word and it has caused global pandemonium.
What I thought was just a lot of media hype has turned into a global pandemic. It has turned the world upside down in a very short time. And I have a feeling that, before it's all over, it'll cause way more economic damage than the physical deaths it's caused.
A month ago when I heard about it, I naively thought it wouldn't make its way to the U.S. For the past week, I've laughed at and have shared the Coronavirus memes all over social media. Yes, I am concerned about my parents, my in-laws and my husband getting it because of various health reasons. But I, personally, am not worried about it. I survived Flu B for the first time in my adult life last month and I've heard that the Coronavirus isn't as bad, that most people have it but don't know they have it.
Friday is when I started worrying about that stupid word and its implications. Friday morning I went to work and one of my co-workers said, "I bet we'll be closing down the school until after Spring Break." I laughed because it still didn't seem that big of a deal on a local level. 1 person had been diagnosed with it on Wednesday and I think the number was up to 23 by Friday morning. By Friday afternoon her prediction became a fact. I left school discouraged for so many reasons. I usually do my grocery shopping on Friday but I had heard rumors about how crazy stores were. So, after school, I dropped the boys off at home and I headed to Sam's Club to pick up a few things. I was shocked that there weren't any carts available at the front of the store and that it looked like the Apocalypse once I stepped in the store. The meat dept was wiped clean. A loaf of bread was nowhere to be found. The only case of water that was available costs $21. People's carts were overflowing everywhere I looked!
Sunday we went to church and once again I was surprised. I knew that the governor had said that you could not hold gatherings of more than 250 people, but I was surprised to see less than 100 people in a service that usually holds 300-400 people. To add to my surprise, a couple sat down two seats away from us when there were hundreds of open seats to choose from. What happened to the 6 ft of separation? I know it was rude, but we got up and moved back several rows (as did another lady that had been sitting there before the couple sat down). I don't want to risk Rob getting sick just so someone doesn't get their feelings hurt.
It just keeps coming. Parish teachers reported to school today only to be told that the scheduled inservice would consist of creating resources for our students to use over the next few weeks to help them retain the info they've recently learned. As of midnight tonight, it seems like the entire state of Louisiana will be closed down. Every day something new pops up and it's enough to make my head spin.
During this crazy time rumors are running rampant. Tensions were high. But here is what I've learned through all of this....
* Fear is a liar. God is bigger than this virus and He knows how it's all going to go down.
* People have good hearts. They want to help each other.
* I am blessed to work at a great school, where the VP reads scriptures to calm our nerves and teachers care a whole lot about their students.
* Hoarding groceries only helps you but others may need it more than you. So be courteous.
* Sometimes it's just best to slow down and take it all in, to enjoy the moment.
* Life can change at the drop of a hat.

I have struggled with this last one a lot today. I LOVE surprises, but I HATE uncertainty. Surprise me with a gift or flowers or a card in the mail but don't tell me you don't know when life will go back to normal. Surprise me with a party but don't tell me that everything is closed around me and that you don't know when they will reopen. There's a lot I don't understand right now, a lot of things up in the air that I'd rather see grounded. But, I keep thinking back to Sunday's sermon about Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-Nego. They didn't bow down to fear even when their lives were at risk because they had that much faith that God was in control. I need to be like that. Right now I need to pray more and worry less. So I will focus on a verse that my VP read to us this morning:
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind." 2 Tim. 1:7
That's what I focus on to cancel out all the crazy that's going on.

Or I sing one of my favorite songs in a time of fear, "Fear is a Liar".....
"Fear, he is a liar.
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear, he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
Cause fear he is a liar

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall, Your love is all I feel....."


Right now I pray that you don't get sick, that your life is not completely turned upside down and that you don't let fear control you. Until next time......