Letting Go

"Birth of a dream, death of a dream."

I wish I could sit down with each other you and tell you face to face about my journey because it's so hard to read emotion via the Internet. But please know that I am at peace and happy with letting go of a dream that Rob and I have had for a few years now. That dream to have a 2nd child so P can be a sibling.

P has been our miracle baby from beginning to now. I was told in 2003 that I most likely wouldn't be able to get pregnant. So we were pleasantly surprised when, 4 months after we started trying, I took a pregnancy test that came back positive. After all the health concerns we dealt with for the first year of P's life we felt that when he turned 1 and was out of the woods medically it would be a perfect time to start trying for a 2nd child. We naively thought it would be just as easy to have a 2nd child and that the kids would be 2 years apart.

But a year after unsuccessfully trying every fertility gimmick I could find I went to see my doctor. She gave me a hormone prescription to help aide in the process. But, after trying that for 6 months it was obvious we needed more/different help. I went to see a specialist, who ran various tests. The results confirmed what we had already guessed.....my medical problems from 9 years ago was affecting my ability to get pregnant. The specialist insisted he could still get me pregnant but it would take some medical intervention and money.

Three months later I just confirmed what I had already thought....I am not pregnant for the 19th mo in a row. But I'm not sad as you would think. I've already shed many tears about this, crying myself to sleep several times over the past year and a half. So now it's time to be positive. I'm happy that I'm no longer going to be poked and prodded several times a month. I'm happy that I won't have hormones put into my body one way or the other 23 days out of each month. I'm happy that I won't have to pee on a stick or in a cup, always getting negative results. I'm happy that I won't have to keep track of so many things each month.

People have asked if infertility has affected my marriage. If anything it has brought Rob and I closer. It's made us open up more, relying on God together. We've prayed since the beginning that God's Will be done. We figured that I may not be getting pregnant because God is protecting us from something in the future. Who knows? I do know that I'm happy that I'll be able to lose the 10 pounds that the hormones caused me to gain. I also know I'm happy that I won't have to see any more doctors and give them any more money. And, if in the future, P asks why he's an only child I'll be happy to tell him we tried everything within our means to make him a big brother.

Are we giving up all together? No. We'll go back to al natural until the end of the year. But, whether we get pregnant or not, we have so much to thank God for. We have a perfectly healthy toddler that brings us so much joy. We have the means to provide for him. We have a very happy little family of 3. Whether that remains to stay the same or God blesses us with another child, only time will tell. But, as of now, I'm letting go and letting God.