Violated

Friday morning Rob was leaving for work only to come back in a few minutes later saying, "We were robbed." His truck had been broken into. We had been down this route before. His truck had been broken into several years ago, but that was different. That time his truck has been in the driveway and the people had just opened the door and took 1 thing. This time there was more than one person. They came into our carport and actually got into his truck to get what they wanted. This time I feel violated. This time it feels personal. This time it's affecting me.

I don't want to go into too much detail because the boys read this blog sometimes but I've been anxious since Saturday. For some reason I was able to sleep just fine Friday night. But Saturday, when we were at a local rodeo, it hit me. E was having fun, laughing, clapping and smiling from ear to ear while I sat next to him thinking, "So many people are drinking. There's bound to be a fight. Or worse." Then I'd talk myself off the ledge and try to enjoy myself. The rodeo itself was fun but I couldn't get out of my head the entire time.

Saturday and Sunday nights, when I did sleep, I had nightmares. I woke up and checked the security cameras on my phone to make sure nothing was amiss. This morning when Rob left for work, I watched him on the camera to make sure no one was out there, waiting. All day I was on edge and I felt like I was barely holding it together for my students. When I got home I got dressed for the gym...and went to bed. I just couldn't get motivated to do anything more than sleep. 

I pray that this passes. I don't like this feeling, constantly on high alert. I look forward to the day when I am not worried or anxious. This sinful world can be scary but I know my God is bigger than it. So I've got to put my fears at His feet before I unravel. Sometimes that's easier said than done. But I know when I do let go of it He'll carry me just like He always does. 

Baseball Blues

I lie awake, with my wheels turning, my mind replaying this weekend over and over again. You see, last Spring, E played on a rec team that sucked. He was the only decent baseball player on his team and it broke our hearts to watch his team get annihilated every game because no one had a clue as to how to play ball. During one of the games, we were approached by an acquaintance, asking if we had ever thought about E playing tournament ball. We discussed it a lot and decided that that would be a great way for him to expand his natural, God given talent on the field. 

There are a lot of different local ball organizations in the area so we weighed the pros and cons of a few of them that interested us. We talked to E about it and ultimately decided to go with the more expensive one because the organization prides itself on professional coaches (instead of invested dad coaches) that teach the fundamentals of the game. E tried out and was beyond excited when he found out he made the team.

Fast forward to a month ago. He had just finished the Fall academy that the organization offered (which I wasn’t impressed with from the little I learned about it along the way). The person in charge of communication was not communicating. Tournament jerseys were late in getting ordered and, because the world is the way it is right now, some of the stuff didn’t arrive in time for the first tournament this weekend. We looked like the Bad News Bears.

What’s worse is we played like them. It was embarrassing to watch. And in all honesty E’s team looked almost like the rec team he played for last Spring. We know E is a talented little ball player but we didn’t expect him (nor did we want him to be) the best player on this “elite” team. He ran all over the field because several of the other players didn’t know to cover their base or where to throw the ball. Once again we were annihilated and this time it hurt my mama heart worse than ever before. As I scrolled social media last night (rather a few hours ago), several of the teams he had an option to try out for not only won games but won their tournaments this weekend. It made our losses hurt that much more!

I write this for several reasons. One is that a few people said, “It’ll get better as the season goes. They’ll learn from this.” I hope so because right now I lack the confidence in the “professional” coaching staff. I can’t see the fruits of their labor, especially since it looks like the boys have never played ball together. I hope at the end of the season I can look back at this blog and laugh, thankful for all the wins we had. Another reason is to remind people that the most expensive option isn’t always the best of the best. Sometimes the expensive option is just that….a lot of money and nothing more. The last reason is that I want to be reminded of E’s journey someday way down the road….where it all began, the frustration and heartache. Who knows what E will do with his life? Right now he wants to play in the MLB and maybe he will. He’s got to start somewhere so maybe the frustration and heartache is where he has to start to get to where he’s going. I don’t know. All I know, at this point, is that we can only go up from here and I pray that we do because my mama heart can’t handle an entire season of loss after loss after loss.

Catch Up

 It's been a hot minute since I jumped on there and blogged. So I thought I'd say a quick hi while waiting for my oil to get changed. I know I sound like a broken record but life is keeping us busy. I think I can officially put "Mom Taxi" on my resume. As I got in my car the other night to pick one of the boys up from an activity I thought, "If I didn't have to get in a car for the next day or so I wouldn't complain." I also thought that someday I will look back on this time and think, "How did we keep up with that crazy schedule?" But it's our life and the way we live these days so we make it work.

On the weekends we try to find a balance between doing something fun and relaxing after a busy week (and before the next busy week). A few weeks ago we went to the Dixie National Rodeo and a parade. Last weekend we ran our first run as an entire family. Although it didn't sway Rob's opinion of running, I was impressed that E came in 1st place for the 1 mile run and Rob came in 3rd!! I placed 4th in my 5k division and P finished in the Top 20 overall. After the run we got cleaned up and then P and I went to a local Mardi Gras parade. I was supposed to take E to a basketball game Sunday, after church, but woke up sick. I slept most of the day.

Now that I've caught you up on our happenings, let me dive into other things. As I've stated before, parenting is hard. Other than the Bible, there isn't a manual that you can use to help you know the right decision to make. But sometimes I feel convicted about something and the feeling sticks until the right decision has been made. Several months ago we let P sign up for a social media platform. Since I already had an account with the same one, I felt like it was our safest option for him to test his freedom. But I quickly learned that the way I use it and the way he uses it are completely different. I only look at people I am friends with. I don't have a desire to follow people I do not know. He, on the other hand, looked at various things from unknown people. It made me uncomfortable. Not because I didn't trust what he was putting out there, but because I was afraid of what he had access to. I fully believe that once a child sees something they can't unsee it. So, after conviction and prayer, we decided it was best to take that platform away from him for now. Needless to say, it didn't go over well with him. There were tears and the silent treatment. The next day, I think he realized that we won't always see eye to eye but he still has to respect the fact that we are his parents and have to make the hard decisions that he won't always like. We, as parents, have to do what we can to protect his innocence.

That's another reason why I felt he didn't need social media. Right now we can protect him from things going on in the world. I feel that he can have limited knowledge about the problems with Russia, but it's not something he needs to be overly exposed to. He becomes obsessed with things and I can see him researching every thing possible about it, losing sleep over the "What ifs". A tween does not need that kind of stress. If that was the case, the legal voting age wouldn't be set at 18. 

Onto a happier subject.....Rob. The other night he was talking to me about a situation that he was dealing with. We talked about it quite at length (ie he talked and I was the listener for once). The whole time he was talking I became more and more impressed with how he handled things. It also made me realize what an awesome principal he would've made. I've found that the educators who did not like school make the best teachers/principals because they know how to reach the students. Rob also has the "mojo" as a leader, a true leader, one that people listen to. He's one that doesn't talk just to make small talk, but people stop and listen when he does have something to say. I just have mad respect for him and how he's really made something of his self within the company, a person that others respect.

Well, on that note, my car is ready. So until next time.....take care and pray for the world as we're in a bad place right now.

Shaming

 I know....3 posts in one day?? Say it ain't so!! This one won't be long just a "food for thought" blog so when I'm older or the boys go back and read these blogs, this time in our history will be something to learn from...hopefully.

I don't know what made me think this. Maybe something on the radio or something I read in People magazine? I don't remember but today I've thought a lot about how easy it has become for our society to play the "shame game". I don't remember when "Cancel Culture" or the "shame game" began. My guess is probably 2020 because that's when everything went down.

But I started thinking about everything that people shame each other about. People are shamed if they don't vote for a certain candidate. They are shamed if they don't get the Covid vaccination. They are shamed if they listen to or watch a certain artist or watch a certain sport if there's a political/racial stance involved. They are shamed for living in a certain state or going to a certain church.

Why? Why is this necessary? I have long since learned in my 40+ years on this Earth that people will disagree with you. I started typing out details about people I am close to that support or don't support certain things and why, but this is not their thoughts so there's no need to throw them under the bus. What I can say is that the world would be boring if we all agreed on everything. It is not someone else's right to shame you if they don't agree. As my mom has told me more times than I can count, "We can disagree and disagree agreeably." Please people, don't shame others because they have different views than you. Simply appreciate that they are their own person, with their own moral compass, with their own mind that can form their own opinions....and move on. Life is too short to spend it worrying about what other people do/say and shaming them if they don't agree with you so move on. You'll be much happier. I guarantee it.

Growing Up and Switching Roles

I look at our boys on a daily basis, thankful for the age they are at. I didn't like the newborn phase. I liked the toddler years okay. But, I LOVE this age they are both at now. When they were younger, our oldest was definitely a mama's boy and our youngest couldn't get enough of his daddy's attention. I remember complaining to Rob, saying that I wanted E to cherish me as much as he cherished Rob. And Rob would tell me that, as they grow, things will shift. There will be times I'll be closer to P and times I'll be close to E. I didn't believe him.

Now I do. E and I have formed a bond over the past several months like none we've had before. I am the one he comes to when he is scared or anxious about something. He likes to cuddle with me when we're watching a family movie. He chooses to ride in the car with me instead of Rob (but who wouldn't make that same choice?? HA!). 

It's not that P and I aren't close right now. In fact, I am extremely thankful that we have the type of relationship we do. He is very open with me (and Rob) and asks questions because he knows we'll give him answers. He has his first girlfriend and he asks a lot of relationship/boy-girl questions. Sometimes we discuss something in depth. Other times the answer is, "That's information that you don't need right now but we will tell you when we think you are ready." And he accepts that because he trusts that we know best. Recently he asked to go to a concert with a friend of his that we didn't know. Rob and I both stood firm and told him no, stating our reasons why. On Friday I found out a little more about the kid's family life and was glad we had told P no. Another reason why I feel we are close is that we respect that he's at an awkward phase in life. There are times he holes up in his room and acts like a teenager. There are other times he gives us big bear hugs and tells us how much he loves us or cuddles with us on the couch while we watch TV. We belly laugh about silly things, but talk in depth about serious things. I validate his feelings when needed because I remember how this is an awkward age. But, through it all, we give him space to figure it all out right now. We don't push him to act a certain way and I think he appreciates that.

P is closer with Rob right now. They have a lot of father/son time in which they have conversations that I don't need to be a part of. I am not jealous of their relationship the way I was with E and Rob a few years ago. Why? Because I appreciate that Rob is there for him, guiding him and teaching him life lessons. I appreciate that P chooses his dad over me because for many years that wasn't the case.

I am glad Rob was right. I am glad that we have our unique time with each boy. When E is at baseball academy, we have special time with P. When P is at youth group, we have special time with E. Lately, that has become a date night for me and E, something I thoroughly enjoy. I don't take for granted the time we spend together, as a family or on an individual basis. P made a comment yesterday that he'll be out of the house in 5 1/2 years. It doesn't seem possible but you better believe I'm going to enjoy every last minute of it and will cherish the memories when he does indeed spread his wings and fly. We are blessed and I am thankful that God has given me the life He has!

Good Morning from the Woods

 I’m currently sitting in a “shooting house” (a big box on a platform), eating my Quest bar and drinking my Espresso Mocha, trying to keep warm and watching the woods wake up. This is the first season I’ve thoroughly enjoyed hunting. 15 years ago, if you would’ve asked me if I would’ve started my day like this I would’ve laughed. I wasn’t opposed to hunting back then. In fact, I had been “hunting” once before with an ex-boyfriend. If you could call it that. A group of us drove around, looking for a deer to shoot from the car. Thankfully none were killed that day and in hindsight I realize that wasn’t hunting.

Hunting is sitting for hours, sometimes in the heat and sometimes in the bitter cold, listening and observing. It’s about deciferring between a squirrel and a deer making noise. It’s about talking to God while surrounded by His creation. It’s about bonding with your kids. This season P and I hunted a lot together. There was a little spike that came out almost every time we hunted together. So we named it Mike and made up stories about the little spike. Hands down, my most memorable hunt was with E early in the season. We were in a ground blind and deer were all around us. I watched two bucks fight. I watched a buck chase a couple does. It was such a fun hunt even though we didn’t kill a deer. Another magical hunt was around New Years when P and I sat in a “shooting house”, watching it snow. The woods were covered in white and it was beautiful.

A misconception about hunting is that it’s all about killing. One thing it is not about is shooting every deer that walks in front of you. If that was the case, we’d have a freezer full of meat every season. We have some pretty strict “rules” about what to shoot and what to let walk. That’s why it’s special when one of us does harvest a deer. Let’s take P for example. He hunted hard this season. Hunted almost every weekend. Sat in exposed tree stands in temps that dropped to the teens. He let several deer walk because he wanted his first real buck to be one he was proud of. That moment came last night when he shot a mature 8pt. I was so proud of him!’ His smile was from ear to ear the entire night.

I’m proud that we can harvest our own organic meat. It is 1000x healthier than anything you can buy in the store. I can go more into depth about my thoughts about deer vs store bought meat but I won’t.

So, today, I finish out the hunting season. There’s a high probability that I won’t see anything and that’s ok. It’s been over 2 years since I’ve shot a deer, despite seeing dozens of them. For me, right now, I’m just happy being in the woods, watching the world wake up and thanking God for another beautiful day!

Gifting Memories

 Last year, at Christmas, we decided that the boys have enough stuff. So, instead of buying them toys that they will outgrow soon, we decided that their big gift will be an experience. This past Christmas we gifted them a trip to San Diego to see my brother and his family (and their beautiful new house). The boys and I played hooky for school for a day and flew to San Diego. 

It was such a fun and memorable trip!! The boys bonded with their little cousins and we made the most of every minute there. We walked our legs off at the zoo. We explored and oohed and aahhed at Legoland. We observed sea animals in their natural environment after climbing down to the tide pools. And P got to experience something that most 12 years do not- he got to record a song in a state of the art recording studio.

We laughed. We talked. We went on walks. We watched movies. We ate great food. We freaked out over a tsunami warning. We played. We sang and danced. We cried when we said goodbye. We created memories.