Dreading the Tomorrows

The only thing that can paralyze me with dread, drive me to tears and cause me to lose sleep is financial situations. That is until a few days ago. Now I have a new thing to add to the list....Kindergarten. Over the weekend my big boys were out of town, which just left me with the lil guy. It gave me a taste of what life will be like- permanently- a few weeks from now when P starts his educational career. I didn't like it. Not one bit. I have held very few titles, other than a mom, this past year. I've been a friend on occasion. I've tried to be a good wife. But other than that I a Mom. A job I take seriously, a job I know I'm good at. But now that will change. My first born, my baby, will be putting on his school uniform, filling up his backpack and walking into the unknown, where I have no doubt he'll have a blast. For 7 hours a day he'll be doing his thing while I do mine. I pray for him constantly- for his teacher, for his new friends, for his self esteem, for his imagination, for his authenticity and most importantly his faith. I also pray for myself and E, that we'll be able to have fun together, build memories together. But to be quite truthful, I'm dreading it. Not the fact that I'll just be with E because he deserves those special moments just as much as his big brother. But I'm dreading a quieter life, only having to deal with one child, a slower social life, sibling rivalry, both boys cuddling on my lap as we get a slow start to our day. Oh how I dread something that I know will make my child so happy. I know he'll do GREAT as he is sooooo smart and social, a quick learner, a comedian, compassionate. I'm the one I worry about, the one with knots in my stomach, the one who lies awake at night with "what ifs" running through my head. But ready or not, here it comes- KINDERGARTEN! Ah, the journeys of parenthood........

Fear

Someone once said that you don't know fear until becoming a parent and I couldn't agree more. Although I enjoyed my pregnancies, I had a lot of unfounded fear with them. Once the boys were born I had even more fears, some different with each boy and some the same. The two constant fears I had with both boys are: 1) Am I, as a mom and their primary caregiver, doing everything in my power to do what's best for them? and 2) They're going to die of SIDS before I even get to know them. Thankfully my inlaws bought us an AngelCare monitor which greatly curbed the second fear and allowed me some sleep that first year.
Now that the boys are older the same fear issues exist. I have the same fears for the both of them but my fears are at varying degrees for each one. My oldest is a social butterfly and knows no strangers. In fact, case in point, the other day he asked an elderly lady at the store, whom he'd never before talked to, if he could have one of the Gatorades she had just purchased (Much to my absolute mortification!). He didn't see anything wrong with asking because he "was thirsty and didn't want the water that was in the car". I'm constantly talking to him about "Stranger Danger" and he always has an excuse as to why he just had to talk to a stranger. It's to the point where I won't put his name on stuff (backpack, school supplies, etc) for fear that someone will pick it up, call him by name and he'll wander off with the person, thinking they know him. Instead, I use a different, more discrete system which his teachers can still decipher. With my youngest I fear for his safety because he knows no fear, nor pain. A couple weeks ago he thought it'd be fun to ride his trike down into the drainage ditch behind our house. Luckily, P saw him and ran in the house to tell me. When I got to him, E was just standing there like, "I think I'll do that trick again.".  Tonight he dropped a jar, which shattered everywhere. As I rushed to clean it up I noticed there was a blood trail from where he had stepped in glass. He never once made a peep....until I put a bandaid on him. Which brings me to my other fear of him. OCD runs heavily on my side of the family and I fear that he has it. He can play in the mud, be a boy, but as soon as he feels something out of the ordinary on his hands (ie leftover food from a meal or blades of grass) he quickly runs to me to get it off him and he'll inspect his hand to make sure I did a thorough job. Tonight he didn't cry when he stepped in glass but he sure squawked when I put bandaids on his feet because he didn't like how they felt.
Every parent has their fears. Some fears change with your child's age. Some fears stay alive forever. That's part of parenting. I'm thankful that God helps me with these fears so I don't have to let them take control of my life because I want to enjoy parenting, not live in fear of it!

Much Needed Time

Let me set the record straight (which, for the record, no one has brought to my attention) by saying that, contrary to how it may appear in my last two blogs, I am happy. Yes, I am incredibly homesick right now (although I'm very thankful that we're not dealing with the misery that all the wildfires are creating) and really desiring to teach in NV this Fall. But I'm also thankful for how FULL our lives have been lately. If you know me well, you know that the busier I am the happier I am. Last week I got to help with P's VBS for a couple nights and it was so exciting to see how the Lord is working in his young life! He thoroughly enjoyed his time at VBS and soaked up everything that was taught to him. This weekend we got to spend some much needed/desired time as a family. We enjoyed family bowling on Saturday afternoon, something we haven't done since moving here. Sunday we went to church, took naps and relaxed. Monday and Tuesday were busy with friends/neighbors. I babysat one of the neighbors all day Monday and then Tuesday we spent the morning and some of the afternoon with P's best friends. Since yesterday was filled with errands, housework and editing the boys were bored...until P went to VBS with his friends. This morning we woke up to BEAUTIFUL, perfect weather. The three of us went for a long walk around the neighborhood and then went across to the pond where we tried, unsuccessfully, to catch some dinner. From there I let P decide what we should do. When he chose the library and park I was happy because Easton woke up not feeling 100%. Being mellow with my two boys sounded like the perfect morning. And it was. No running around, no long "To Do" list to tackle. Just time with my boys. Although I am incredibly thankful for an ever growing social life with the boys, I am also thankful for the times when it's just me and them, just having a good time together. I need to make more days like this happen because all too soon they'll be grown, having lives of their own. I'm thankful for all the memories we create together, big and small, that will be looked back on with fondness for years to come.

A Whole Lot of Randomness

Disclaimer: I am in a good mood so please don't try to "read between the lines" on this blog. It is what it is.

P has a much more active social life than me. In fact, if it wasn't for him my social life would pretty much be non-existent. Tonight he's gone with his best friends to his their VBS. Rob slept on the couch for awhile since he worked most of the night and all day today. That just left me and E, giving me a taste of what days will be like when P is at school. It sucked. I have been toying with going back to work for awhile now but tonight solidified it. I really want to go back out in the working world once P is in school. What I really want to do is go back to teaching but I have no desire to get a LA teaching credential, especially since they don't do part time teaching contracts (my ideal, non-administrative job). So I will start hunting around in a month to figure out childcare for E and a part time job that will allow me flexibility to volunteer at P's school as well. I went back to work when P had just turned a year old and now that E is over 1 1/2 yrs old I feel that it'd be best for him and me and our family for me to be a (part time) working mom again.
It's no secret that I HATE Summer humidity in the South. I despise sweating and feeling like I constantly need a shower. Rob said I shouldn't complain because I just have to go to the car or to the store or to the neighbors' in it instead of working in it all day. But my philosophy is that I shouldn't be covered in sweat from doing those minimal activities. All that ranting to say that when we have rare, beautiful, low humidity Summer days I love it! Today was one of days. I let Fetcha out this afternoon and wished I would've used today to be at the park instead of using it to run errands, clean house and work on more editing from a photo shoot. Tomorrow is supposed to be another beautiful day so I plan to spend as much of it outside as possible. If we had more days like we had today I wouldn't spend so much time thinking about moving back to NV.
I'm not one who dwells on death/dying or even thinks much about it. I have no doubt about where I'm going when I die so I live each day enjoying life. But lately it seems I'm faced with death. My friend, Jaimie, lost her battle to cancer a few months ago. I have another friend who is close to losing her battle with cancer. I watched Ruby die unexpectedly. Fetcha had a brush with death. So I guess death has been consuming my thoughts more than, well, ever lately. For some reason, every time I think about death I think about the kitchen. Weird, huh? But I've been thinking about my Nana and Papa so much lately that it almost consumes my every thought. I think about all the baking and canning my Nana did, wishing I would've paid more attention to how she did everything. I think about playing games with my Papa at the kitchen table. I think about his love for tomato sandwiches that he passed down to me. I remember both my Nana and Papa writing letters to family members at their kitchen table as well. I also think about our kitchen floor, how messy it is now that Ruby is gone and Fetcha is confined to a crate for 4 1/2 more weeks. I rarely swept or mopped because it was Ruby's "chore" to keep the floor clean for me. But now I find myself sweeping the floor 3-4 times a day and mopping it once or twice a week. Funny how your memories will take you to a "weird" place. But I wouldn't change it. Special memories that make me smile.

Well, there you have it. My randomness for the day. Until next time....

Holding Grudges

I'm going to preface this blog entry with: I'm going to be real and it may offend you but I do not offer an apology because it is my thoughts and feelings about my life. Our blog is a journal of sorts to me, a way to release frustration (or appreciation or opinions) on occasion. Take or leave it.

I was born and raised in the church, there every time the doors were open, so I know right from wrong. I've made bad choices in the past but I try to live the best Christian life I can today a) because I know it's what the Bible commands and b) because I'm setting a very important example to my sons in hopes that they too will follow after Christ in their adult life. HOWEVER, the one issue I struggle with is grudges. A friend can hurt me multiple times and I get over it but if someone I love is hurt you better watch out because I won't forgive and forget easily.
Lately I feel that Rob and I give and give and get nothing in return. I know, I know. A person is not to give in hopes of getting something in return. But my philosophy is "Do unto others as you want them to do unto you." Yeah, no such luck with that....with a couple exceptions. A lady from church graciously covered my grocery bill at Winn Dixie a couple weeks back when my check was rejected due to banking issues. An elderly neighbor across the street bends over backwards to go above and beyond to help me and the boys. (In fact I probably wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for her, a couple other people and our church family!)
Back to the grudge. Today I was in a perfectly good mood...until I got on the treadmill. You'd think it was exercising that put me in a bad mood but it was the fact that I could see out over our backyard and into the yard of the man who hit Fetcha. And he was in his driveway. It's been over a week since he hit her, 8 days to be exact. He has not once come over to ask how she is, nor has he asked how our son handled the news (knowing that our yellow lab died unexpectedly 10 days prior to him hitting Fetcha) nor did he offer to help with the vet bills. Nothing. After I got off the treadmill, P asked if we could go for a walk. I purposely chose to walk by his house to see if he'd say anything since Fetcha was not with us. He didn't. He did glare at me quite a bit, which I graciously returned. It took everything in my power- and probably God's- to keep my mouth shut. (Although I did make a passive-aggressive comment about people driving too fast, which pertained to something P had said just as we passed his house.) I don't blame him for hitting her. It was her fault and ours. But I do blame him for the nightmares he's given me of running back over her while she laid unconscious in the road. I blame him for his high and almighty attitude that he had with me and Rob, even after we explained that Ruby had just died. I blame him for worrying more about the damage that didn't exist to his patrol car than what our family was going through. I'd never in a million years act that way toward someone if I had just hit their family pet. I'd do everything in my power to right a horrible situation.
But, here I sit, with a horrible grudge toward this man and my blood pressure skyrocketing every time I pass his house. He wronged my family and our dog and for that I will hold a grudge until he does unto us as we would've done unto him if the situation was reversed. Forgive me.

Back to the Swing of Things

There are piles of dirty dishes in the sink, laundry waiting to be washed, a kitchen floor that needs to be mopped, bathrooms that need to be scrubbed, carpet that needs to be vacuumed and a blog that I'm very behind on. That must mean my parents have left after a wonderful visit together and now it's back to reality. That also means I need to catch you up on the past few weeks of our life. So much excitement- mostly good and one bump in the road (literally and figuratively!).



Fetcha Dog
I'll start out with the bump in the road so we can end on a positive note. The stray dog who adopted us a month or so ago has 2 terrible habits.....wandering off for hours and chasing cars. Neither has really concerned me much until Ruby wandered off and ended up dying because of it. Well, last Sunday we had taken P to the first night of VBS and were back home, getting things done around the house. All of a sudden my dad came rushing in the house to tell me that Fetcha had been hit by a car, a cop nonetheless. When Rob and I got to her she was unconscious, with her tongue hanging out. I thought she was dead. Thankfully she came to but couldn't walk. My mom and I took her to the emergency vet while Rob and my dad dealt with the heartless, jerk of a cop who hit her (Don't get me started on him!!). The vet checked her over while I held her. Well, I held her until I almost passed out (how embarrassing!) and then my mom took over so I could sit with my head between my legs (how embarrassing!). He gave us all our options...and an estimated $900 vet bill if we went with his advice. Rob, my mom and I talked and decided that we should just put her down. Luckily, the vet assistant kept coming out and telling us cheaper options. By the time it was all said and done, she was given a shot of pain meds and we took her home, praying that she'd make it through the night. Rob and I took turns getting up with her, causing us a sleepless night. The next morning my dad and I took her to a different vet that had been recommended. For a tenth of the vet bill estimate we were given the night before, we were told she'd be okay with only 6 weeks of crate living!!! We were thrilled!! P was especially thrilled as Rob had told him the night before that Fetcha had died and was up in heaven with Ruby, Holly and Roxy. Our resurrected dog is quite a strong, feisty thing. She's not supposed to put weight on her hip or back legs other than to go to the bathroom but she's already escaped the backyard twice. Now she has to go out on a leash, which she hates. She's supposed to be on pain meds for 2 weeks but she's already ok enough to go without them. (The vet said to wean her as soon as possible because she's supposed to feel a little pain to remind her to stay off her legs/hips.) We are thankful that the outcome was a happy one as we couldn't imagine losing another dog!

After we got the good news that she'd be fine in 6 weeks

P's Birthday Festivities
This goes down in the books as the best birthday we've had in our immediate family....ever. With my parents in town, I already knew it'd be fun but all the extras were the icing on the cake. On his actual birthday, we decided to splurge and take him, my parents and his best friend on a safari tour. We were not disappointed! Everyone enjoyed the close encounters with various animals, feeding them out of cups and our hands. The next time I go back I'm going to be less of a photographer and more of a participant because I felt like I missed out in that respect. After lunch at Chick Fil A and an afternoon of resting, P had his last T-ball game of the season. His team ended the season undefeated and P earned the "Most Improved Player of the Season" title! On Friday we went to the LSU campus to see Mike the Tiger (one of my parents' favorite activities) and enjoyed the 4th of July by relaxing and watching fireworks. Saturday morning was his birthday party...and what a party it was! My brother in law graciously rented a HUGE water slide, which was a big hit! Between that, the piñata, animal activities and beautiful weather everyone really seemed to enjoy themselves. It was nice spending time with both sides of the family and our friends. I know P had the time of his life and agreed with me that it was his best birthday yet!!

Beautiful Young Lady
I have had the honor and privilege of doing multiple photo shoots for a sweet, fun loving family. When Leann called and asked me to do a photo shoot of her sweet, beautiful daughter as a birthday present for her I was thrilled! We scouted out gorgeous, historical St. Francisville and spent the morning having all kinds of fun. I am behind on editing the pictures because of all that has gone on the past week or two but here are a few that I've done already. More to come later (especially if I can get a gymnastics composite done that I'm dying to try).....



This is her mom, who graciously helped me with a glitter shot.