Getting Real

This is not going to be a "feel good" blog. It's going to be raw, real and ugly. But it will be honest.

Sunday I posted on FB that it's all about perspective. I listed 10 things that I am thankful for right now during this pandemic. Then, yesterday, Satan attacked me big time. My morning started with E telling me how much he hates homeschool. He gripes about school a lot but yesterday was different because I know it was his way of saying he hates this situation right now. And there's nothing I can do to fix it. He then spent a couple hours, fighting with me, about school work. One of our neighbors confided in Rob that, because she's self employed, she doesn't know how she's going to have money for food if this goes much longer. It hit me how real this has become, how many lives this virus has affected. Then I was checking on students and my heart broke because 3 of my students are dealing with hard stuff right now that 5 year olds shouldn't have to face- 2 are being directly impacted by COVID-19 and one is just dealing with a bad family situation. I was pretty down about that. But, I knew I was going to help "direct traffic" while families from our school were given food in the afternoon and I was happy, knowing I was going to see some co-workers and some students. Wrong!
First of all, I didn't direct much traffic. Somehow I ended up passing out food to people. Normally, I'd love doing that. BUT, it meant coming in closer proximity with people than I was comfortable with. Second, it gave me a raw glimpse of people's faces when they were told that the agency had run out of food at its previous stops so all they had to give was a muffin and school sized milk. One lady, whom I personally know, showed up really early to make sure she got food. She was first in line and I could literally see her fall apart when she was given her measly food rations. My heart broke for her. Third, someone pulled up who did not need food. The person then proceeded to complain about the food that was being handed out, but took it, leaving someone else one less meal. Oh, I was furious and it was all I could do not to voice my opinion. The whole hour that I was there broke my heart.
I went home feeling dirty....and disheartened. I cried. I felt I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and there's not a thing I can do about it. Other than stay home.
Dinner was my breaking point. When everyone turned their nose up at the meal I cooked, I said "This is not the night to complain about dinner. At least we have food on our plates, whether you like it or not."  To be honest, I couldn't wait for everyone to go to bed so I could have some alone time to process the day.
I didn't sleep much last night. P woke me up and then our dumb Roomba started running at 3am. So, I prayed a lot and thought about a lot. This morning I rolled out of bed, exhausted. I did not want to deal with homeschooling the boys and, quite honestly, if they had asked to skip it I would've let them. But they didn't so we plugged on through. Afterwards, I did my devotions. Not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to check off that I had done them. Truth be told, I just wanted it to rain as forecasted so I could have an excuse to lay around. I also wanted it to rain so it could wash everything away and make it fresh again. While in the middle of my devotions, P said "Wow, it's really raining!" I looked up and saw it pouring down rain. It didn't rain long but it rained enough to change my attitude. Shortly after the rain stopped, I read a verse in Luke 8 about being careful how you listen. For some reason (GOD!!), that verse jumped out at me.
This afternoon a friend called and we were on the phone for 2 hours. Most of the conversation consisted of me listening to her. She had a lot on her mind and I felt that she just needed someone to listen. When I got off the phone with her, I felt the best I had since Sunday. I realized that I can't do much to help my students. I can't help people who are diagnosed with COVID-19. But I can listen. And if that helps anyone then I am happy.
Not every day is going to be great. I will probably get to another breaking point...or two...before this shelter in place is done. But I do have a lot to be thankful for during this crazy time. And, so tomorrow, I will start my day doing Bible Study with my co-workers via Zoom. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Because Satan doesn't get to win. He doesn't get to attack me day after day, getting me down. And because my God is greater than all that is around us right now. That's the hope I'll cling to during the difficult days.