If a Dog Can Remember

Yesterday was a hard day. After much thought, discussion and prayer we made the difficult decision to rehome Charlie. We had got him as a puppy and he was perfect for our family for the past year and a half. But, recently he started becoming aggressive toward people he didn't know. He chased after people and snapped at 2 kids who tried to pet him. We called behavior trainers and did what we could to limit his exposure to "strangers". But, at the end of the day, we knew it wasn't fair to him and it put us in stressful situations. We put him up on a pet adoption website and, after telling a couple people that he wouldn't be a good match for them, took him to his first face to face meeting with his potential new owner. I prayed the whole way there that I would know 100% that he should go or stay. Charlie made it obvious that he would be happy with his new owner so, with tears streaming down our cheeks, we said goodbye to him.
Throughout the night we cried and reminisced about our time with Charlie. Fetcha acted "off" and I think she was sad too. As E said, "She misses her playmate." Was Fetcha remembering her and Charlie running around the house after each other until they were worn out? Was Fetcha remembering that she hovered over her food bowl, letting Charlie know that it was not his food? Was Fetcha remembering how she and Charlie would lay by the picture window, barking at people who passed by?
And as Charlie *happily* adapted to his new house last night, I wonder if he remembered how much we loved him. I wonder if he remembered his special place on the couch, how he would pace if something or someone was in his place. I wonder if he remembered how he'd carry his pink blanket all over the house. I wonder if he remembered how putting him out in the morning was my first priority. I wonder if he remembered all the snuggles and cuddles we gave him. I wonder if he remembered checking the garden with me every day. I wonder if he remembered chasing the boys around the pool in fear that they were drowning. I wonder if he remembered running around the property or deer camp until he was exhausted. I wonder if remembered chasing after the boys when the rode their bikes. I wonder if he remembered Otis, playing with him and trying to steal his bone. I wonder if he remembered "wrestling" at night with the boys and Rob. So many things I hope he remembers because they are things we won't forget.
As his owner for 1 1/2 years, I remember all the joy and laughter he brought us. I remember how he'd get under my foot, wanting me to pet him with my toes. I remember how he'd jump up on my lap and cuddle with me while I read or watched TV. I remember how he'd come running when he heard the cheese wrapper. I remember how he would drag his big dog bed to his favorite place on the couch so he could have it all. I remember how he would jump on P every morning to wake him up. I remember how he would lay on the bath mat in the bathroom while I took my bath. I remember our nightly walks right before bed.
I hope Charlie remembers. I hope that he'll never forget how much we loved him. How we loved him enough to let him go to a new home, where he could thrive. Our hearts are broken and I don't know how long it will take to stop crying every time we think about him. (E and I had a little cry fest this morning when I realized Charlie wasn't in the laundry room.) In fact, I'm crying so hard right now that I can barely see the screen. So, I'm going to end this now. I remember....and I hope Charlie does too.

A Funk

Do you ever get in a funk? Or am I the only one? I've been in one off and on this week. Monday I got some news at a doctor appt that I wasn't expecting. Not bad news, but just something I've never dealt with. And then the doctor had to leave to deliver a baby so I didn't get to discuss this unexpected news or ask questions. Monday night I used a coffee bath scrub that I had just received. I don't know if it was that or so much running through my mind but I tossed and turned all night. Yesterday I woke up tired. But as the day went on my mood started getting better. We bought a big tent and are planning on going camping soon. We haven't tent camped as a family so, other than the heat, I'm super excited about it. I also had a friend come over with her kids to swim yesterday with the boys. So I was in a good mood and slept really well last night.
Then today I woke up in another funk. These riots and looting have me unsettled. It breaks my heart that people are destroying things and hurting others just to make a statement. I'm all for speaking up and for the peaceful protests that are taking place. But, the selfish destruction has me down in the dumps. Then my dr appt still bothered me most of the morning. I finally decided to do something about it and change doctors, for a chance to be heard. And the icing on the cake to add to my funk is that we had to cancel our annual Summer vacation to visit my parents. Every year the boys and I go stay with them for 3 weeks and cram as much fun as possible into our time together. But, this year, that's not going to happen. My dad found out that he has to wear the walking boot for 2 more months (!!!) and I am not comfortable flying yet, with the Coronavirus still very active. It was a hard conversation to have with the boys but we all decided that it's for the best.
Another part of my funk is not being able to do Bible study with my co-workers the past couple weeks. I really miss digging into the Word together and doing life together.
All of this is messing with my emotions...and my sleep. I am going to start a paper chain countdown. Not the kind where you count down to Christmas morning, but the kind where I can count down until 2021. I am praying that is a better year than 2020 has been! Next Jumanji level?? A possible hurricane! Stay tuned for more fun......

I Want a Do Over!

We are not even halfway through this year and I already want it to be over. There's only one other year that I have felt the same and that was 2006, the year my Nana died. I felt that was a year of heartbreak and I couldn't wait for it to end. 

This year has been quite different, a challenging one at best. My dad started the year with pneumonia and then broke his foot (He's still in a walking boot!!). My mom had surgery and then had complications with it, landing her back in the hospital. I had the flu for the first time in my adult life. Then, 60 days after getting my Kindergarten class, life shut down for 2+ months because of COVID-19. We were housebound and bored, anxious and fearful. Vacations and family time was cancelled. People were (and still are to some extent) at odds at to how to "live" life.

Life still hasn't completely gotten back to normal from Rona and now we're dealing with national racial tension. Why can't this year end? 

I've spoken enough about Rona so let me touch on the new hot topic....racial tension. It breaks my heart! It does. I was not raised to look at someone differently based on their skin color. I don't remember the first time I hear the "n word" but I know for a fact it was not in our house. My parents treat everyone with respect. We don't want the boys to be raised to look at people differently because of ethnicity and race. And I don't get why that's so hard. Actually, I do. I blame the media. The media is so quick to point out racial tension (especially when it comes to police officers or politicians). But, once they blow a story up and get everyone's blood boiling they start backtracking, saying that more needs to be done to get rid of racial tension. In no way, shape or form should Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd died the way they did. They were treated inhumanely because of the color of their skin. And the sad thing? People stood by and watched, videoing them as they took their last breath. How senseless! I have not watched either video. Seeing a still shot of the videos plastered all over my FB newsfeed is enough to turn my stomach and leave a sour taste in my mouth. 

But the other thing I don't get is the protesters. I am not, in any way, asking people to keep silent about this injustice. However, when given a national platform, I would hope people would handle it more respectfully. I have been to Minneapolis twice and loved it. It's beautiful and the people are friendly. I would never in a million years imagined the looting and fires and shootings to happen there. Again, I don't get why people have to hurt others in retaliation. Sometimes "an eye for an eye" is not the best way to handle a horrific situation.

I have so, so many more thoughts on this but my mind keeps going in circles and before long I'll begin rambling. In closing, I hope that heartbreaking situations like this get people thinking about how they treat others, the difference between right and wrong, how to show respect. People don't have to agree. I don't agree with a lot of my brother's thoughts and opinions. But I love and respect him dearly, making it easier to find a middle ground in how we discuss our differences.

People, don't add to the stress and tension that 2020 has already brought. Pray and let go.....and hope that 2021 is a much better year!

Slow Your Roll

Yesterday, during my Bible study Zoom call, our leader asked us what was one thing we'd like to keep in place as life goes back to "normal". I was quick to respond. I want to say no more, to take time to slow down and enjoy quiet time. For 2 months, I was rarely bored but I definitely slowed down. It's kind of easy to do when very few businesses are open. But, for the past week or so, life has started to ramp up again. Restaurants and salons opened on Friday. Doctors began seeing patients for non-emergencies this past week. And people are feeling more freedom.
That being said, the past two weeks have felt very busy to me. After not coming face to face with an abundance of people for 2 months, this past week has been a bit overwhelming. Friday in particular frayed my nerves. I'm not lying when I say people were at our house (i.e. in our front yard or on our porch) from 10:30am until 5:30, with the exception of me making a quick Sam's Club run. By the time the last person left, I was peopled out. Don't get me wrong. I love our neighbors and I love having a yard full of kids. But, it was just too much too soon.
It made me realize that it's okay to put up boundaries. I am a people pleaser so I don't say no when I should. I need to protect our family time, my "me" time. I've heard a lot of people say that this quarantine has brought families together for a traditional dinner time- sitting around the table, eating together and talking about our day. We have always done that because that is super important to me! Like, ranks right under God and teaching the boys right from wrong, important. But we have done other things as a family that I have learned we can continue to do....just us.
I also want to protect my "me" time. During this time, I have craved it. I have one or more people talking to me from the time I wake up until I go to bed. Every day. My ears hurt. My head sometimes hurts. I need to have just a few minutes by myself every day. So I will continue to value that time.
Another thing that I learned during this time that I want to keep with is not filling the boys' social calendars. Rob has told me more times than I can count that I don't always need to find things to entertain the boys. And this quarantine time has really taught me that first handedly. There are times they've been bored but they've always found things to do. This time has brought them closer together because they only had each other to play with for several weeks. But, it's also okay if they're bored from time to time. 
As life resumes and busyness becomes the norm again, I will do everything in my power to keep a slower pace. We don't have to be on the go 24/7. We don't have to fill our social calendars. The boys don't constantly have to be entertained. Rona has taught me that it's okay to be at home, to not have a never-ending "To-Do" list. I hope, years from now, I can still say that I'm enjoying a slower pace of life thanks to Rona.

Mother's Day

Forgive me as I may ramble a bit. I have a lot to say and I'm not sure how to connect it all. Mother's Day has always been special to me because my mom is easy to celebrate. In my opinion, I have been blessed with the best mom possible. When describing her, I think of June Cleaver only more of a spiritual guidance. Growing up, my brother and I never had to worry about whether we were safe or whether we were going to be able to eat or whether we were loved or whether we were secure. My parents made every effort, every day, to make sure we knew how loved we were.
For the past 11 years, Mother's Day has taken on an even more special meaning. Now I have 2 reasons of my own to feel even more loved. For the past 11 years, I have been spoiled with handmade gifts, flowers, cards and lots of Mother's Day love. This year, Mother's Day is even more special because whatever the boys give me is something they came up with on their own. Since we haven't been in school since mid March, I know that teachers haven't dictated my Mother's Day gift. It's all my boys' thoughts and creativity that I'll be getting. And I know that, whatever I'm getting, they are both super excited about it, which makes it even more special.
As special as Mother's Day is for me, I can't help but think of my friends who aren't celebrating Mother's Day the way I am. The friends who have spent thousands of dollars to have their own child to no avail. The friends who long to be married and have a child of their own, who remain single. The friends who have lost a child, that grieve because their child is in heaven. The friends who are splitting custody of their child and don't get to spend today with their child. Several years ago, I posted on FB about Valentine's Day just being a silly Hallmark holiday. A friend wrote back, "How do you think we feel about Mother's Day and Father's Day?" At the time, this friend and his wife had tried, unsuccessfully, for years to conceive. So, Mother's Day and Father's Day was just another reminder of the fact that they didn't have a child of their own. Praise the Lord, that's no longer the case and they have a beautiful little girl. But, his comment made me stop and think, to pray for my friends who don't get to celebrate this special day the way I do. Now, every Mother's Day, I count my blessings and pray for those who long to be a parent.
So, whether you're a biological mom, a fur baby mom, an adoptive mom, a spiritual mom, a stepmom, a foster mom, have lost a child mom or a neighborhood mom, I want you to know that you are special. You are loved! The world is a better place because of YOU. So, happy Mother's Day. Thank you for all that you do and for making those around you feel loved!

Mother's Day Wish

One of the many things I've learned from Rob over the years is that I don't have to be in control all the time. I may want things a certain way but I also have to respect other people's wishes. So, I know that when I say I want something for Mother's Day or my birthday it will happen. Because that's how Rob rolls. A few nights ago, after a long day, I told Rob that all I wanted for Mother's Day was a few hours to myself. No one saying, "Mom...." followed by a request or question. I wanted just a few hours of silence, where I didn't have to listen to stories or be at someone's beck and call. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my boys more than life itself and would do anything for them in a heartbeat but this 24/7 stuff gets to me some days.
Rob had planned to take the boys camping tonight. But, as luck would have it, we got a huge storm yesterday and the ground will be wet for days. Not the ideal camping situation. So, this afternoon he told me he was going to take the boys out for a couple hours. It was all I could do not to do the Happy Dance right then and there. I had visions of a long, hot bubble bath and reading my book in complete silence. The bubble bath did not happen and I've only read 1 paragraph of my book. But, I did take an hour long nap and have enjoyed the silence since waking up.
But, you know what? Now I'm ready for them to come home now. I'm ready for the loud. I'm ready for the requests and questions. I'm ready to hear about Lego inventions and have coffee spilled on me because one of the boys has crawled up on my lap. I'm ready to worry about what to make for dinner. I'm ready to get slaughtered in a dirtbike video game. I have cherished the past couple hours by myself, I feel rejuvenated. But I'm ready to be "Mom" again because that's the best job I've ever been blessed with.

Graduation Blues

The start of a new month. The start of which should be a very busy month, beginning with a fishing tournament and ending with a trip to Myrtle Beach. But, thanks to COVID-19, none of that will be happening. Baseball season will most likely be cancelled. There will be no Mother's Day lunch at my favorite restaurant. There will not be busy weekends and endless days where we fall into bed, exhausted from a ridiculously busy day. But, the thing that breaks my heart? P won't get to enjoy all his end-of-elementary-school activities. He won't get his last PBIS party. He won't get his last Water Day. And most of all he won't get to have his 5th grade graduation. Oh sure, the district keeps saying it's a possibility but I know the reality. P will not be sitting with his friends one last time, watching the 5th grade slide show, ribbing his friends and sharing their inside jokes. And the reality is that I think it's affecting me more than it is him. He doesn't really know what he's missing. He knows about the school activities but he doesn't know about the closure, about saying goodbye to some of his friends for the last time as they move to other schools. He doesn't know about the importance of getting his yearbook signed one last time. So, I keep my mouth shut. When he gets in a funk, because he misses his friends, I listen to him. I encourage him. I help him find the good things about being home during this time. Because he doesn't need to know. He doesn't need to know all that he's missing. He needs to know that he's loved and he's safe and that he has a lifetime in front of him to make more memories. In the meantime, I'll savor his elementary school memories, the friends he's made, the teachers he's been blessed with. Because, really, that's what it's all about right now.