A Baby No More

Last Thursday was hands down one of the hardest days Rob and I have had to endure together. We dropped our first born off at Kindergarten, in the hands of a complete stranger, for the longest 7 hours of our lives. I'm sure it would've been hard in any circumstance but it broke my heart to take him to school, knowing he had been up most of the previous night, coughing. But, true to his nature, he never complained about not feeling well  but took on the task at hand.
As we got out of the car in the school parking lot, Rob offered P his hand. For the first time that I can remember, P refused to hold it, wanting to make the trek on his own. When we took him in the building to walk him to class he walked a couple steps in front or behind us, showing us that he didn't need us as much as we needed him to want our support. He quietly sat with the other boys, taking it all in. When the bell rang he studiously walked to his classroom to line up behind his teacher. She didn't give him a big welcome hug as I had hoped. She is more reserved, reminding me of how I had been my last year in Kinder. (Something I wish I could go back in time and change.) He walked into class, without shedding a tear and not watching us walk away. We, on the other hand, had a hard time containing our emotions.
 I had a pit in my stomach the entire day and felt like my heart had been broken into a million pieces. I kept thinking about him as a newborn, so new to the world. I kept thinking, "Where have the years gone?" Then I was plagued with "What ifs". "What if I didn't prepare him well enough for school?" "What if he gets made fun of?" "What if his teacher loses her temper with him?" "What if he struggles?"...... So many "What ifs" that I was completely worn out by the time we picked him up from school.
After 7 VERY LONG hours we went to get our baby. We were nervous that we hadn't gotten there in time (even though we left 35 mins before school was dismissed for a 7 min car ride). The carpool line was so long and we were dead last. We worried he'd think we forgot him and thankfully our neighbor was ahead of us in line, calming us down with a rundown of texts.
When we finally picked him up he seemed happy, but subdued. I don't know if it was because he wasn't feeling well or because he was absorbing everything. He gave us a rundown of his day and filled us in on the good, bad and indifferent.
I think this is going to be a long year, for him and for us. E has a hard time when we drop him off in the morning and can barely contain himself when I tell him it's time to pick Bubba up in the afternoon. I make a never ending "To Do" list in hopes of the time passing faster. I live for 3:20 when I can have my baby back in my arms. It's a growing up process~ for him and for me. I have to learn to let go, trust others with his care, knowing he's going to learn far more in school than he would at home with me. I'm looking forward to the Fridays, the holidays, the end of the year. But I know that each day in between will be one full of learning, laughter and growing independence because my baby is no longer the helpless newborn that couldn't survive without me. He has grown into a smart, funny, outgoing, sweet, creative, thoughtful young man, ready to take on the world. Or at least Kindergarten!