I guess it started in 2003 when my Papa died and then my mom had major complications from surgery. But it climaxed when I laid in the same hospital room as my Nana while she took her last breath, losing her battle against breast cancer. As selfish as it sounds, I didn't want to be in there with her because I knew I wasn't strong enough to handle it. We were just waiting until the last visitor left so I could make a quiet exit myself. But it didn't work that way and I've had a hard time processing death ever since then. I internalize it. I cry when no one is around. I don't want to talk about it. I want to pretend it didn't happen. And I really don't want to hear people say, "I'm sorry". Everyone deals differently with death. My husband seems obsessed with death and seems to enjoy going to funerals. For me, I want to remember people as they were when they were healthy and not be part of the formal grieving process of attending a funeral.
Well, the past few months I've been dealing with it all. Earlier this year you may remember that I blogged about a former co-worker who lost her battle to cancer, leaving her 3 adolescent sons orphaned due to their dad being killed by a drunk driver. Then Ruby died unexpectedly in June, which has been a lot harder on me than I thought. She drove me absolutely batty but the things that I got frustrated with are the things I miss the most. I blame myself and Rob for her death and that's hard to deal with. I cry most every time we go to Bass Pro because of all the pictures of labs duck hunting. Then my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He had surgery for it a week and a half ago and we find out tomorrow if he's truly cancer free. I've been sitting on pins and needles, waiting for those results because I can't imagine my world if the biopsy doesn't come back benign. On Saturday night we got a call that some close friends back home were in a horrific car wreck on their way to their annual hunting trip. One of them had to be life flighted to Reno and, although I am so incredibly thankful that he's alive and not paralyzed, he has a long road ahead of him with recovering from a collapsed lung and broken bones in his neck, back, ribs and sternum. I was awake most of Saturday night, waiting to hear if Lee would pull through the night and be okay. Then a close college friend lost her battle against breast cancer last night. She leaves behind two young children and a husband who loved her more than I can express with mere words. It sucks. All of it. They say bad things happen in 3s but apparently my life didn't get the memo because I've had more than 3 in 2014.
The one redeeming thing is knowing that God is in charge of it all, even though I have more questions than answers. When my Nana died the family went out to eat after leaving the hospital. When we pulled up to the restaurant there was a double rainbow, something I had never seen before. Now it seems like, whenever someone close to me passes away, I see a double rainbow, a symbol of God's love and promises. Today was no exception. After it rained I felt compelled to go check if there was a rainbow and sure enough, directly in front of our house, was a beautiful double rainbow. I thought of my dear friend, Jen, and was reminded that she is no longer in pain, no longer suffering. I'm thankful for those simple reminders, a promise that, despite how it may seem at the time, life will get better.
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